One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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