My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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