Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Randomize
