I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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