She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
her facebook's as public as her vagina
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
