This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Randomize
