it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
My vagina is officially offended.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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