Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
