what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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