The maid of honor just puked.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
My ATM looks so different sober.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
