My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
We are two peas in an std pod
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
