She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
