its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
