Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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