I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
