I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I think weed is turning my hair brown
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
