R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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