At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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