She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
