i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
