The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
