my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
