I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
