When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
