Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Randomize
