I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize