I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
