i always forget guys have bellybuttons
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Drunk is a universal language darling
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
