i already hear my dad disowning me
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize