Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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