I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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