On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
