I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
smell my finger.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
