you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
