Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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