so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
