I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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