Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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