Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
