I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
