I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
