I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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