I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
