My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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