I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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