We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
