I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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