I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
