For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
The uberlube is also flammable
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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