just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
