I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
