Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
