I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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