The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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