The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
