I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
