that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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