Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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