Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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