fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
