when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
